Who Am I?

No really….Who am I…REALLY?

This new blog is being born out of the dry, desert land of struggle, pain, loss, and fear. The barren land of holding onto God when the bleakness becomes so loud its deafening.

Hope is a distant memory.

Ok, sound desperate enough?

We want so badly to wear masks and facades. In fact…these days, more than ever before, we completely understand, due to the visible nature of mask wearing, just how quickly throwing on a mask can hide the overwhelming brokenness our faces wear.

And this has been my current journey.

So, who am I? Now. Now that my life has changed so much. Now that my reflection no longer looks like the me I used to know. Now that change, pain, loss, fear, anxiety have etched themselves into permanent wrinkles on my brow. Now that the grey is showing. Now that time has defined the obvious.

Am I the only one who reaches the threshold of being young and feeling like time has gifted you the opportunity to find yourself in more than enough time, only to realize you are now standing on the edge of that cliff and its time to jump? Now you feel like…wait…IM NOT READY. I still don’t know who I want to be when I grow up, but I’m already here!

WELL…

LIES!

Lies we tell ourselves on the daily! Lies we succumb to. Lies we decide are a must. Lies we allow our inner voice to convince us is true, fully and completely against the very nature of God and His promises. We define who we are based on WHAT we do. No wonder we fail. No wonder we feel so much sinking disturbance in the daily. I am not at all doing what I used to do. I have worn many, many hats in my lifetime. And yet, I am none of those things. I am completely and fully defined by an entirely different set of truths. God lists none of those physical manifestations of who I am on my resume as defining factors of WHO I truly AM!

Write your resume:

How much of who you are do you use those titles to define? Well, I’m a mom, wife, veteran, daughter, sister, friend, CNA….and the list goes on. These are all things I DO…not at all WHO I AM. And yet, they are the very things that drive me to the brink of madness. “I’m failing as a wife, a mother, a friend.” “I’m no longer a soldier, just a veteran, and not a typical one. I didn’t serve long enough.” “I’m too far away to be a good sister or daughter.” “I can’t be a CNA anymore because my schedule demands I care for my 2 disabled children and my disabled husband at home.” I am a constant flurry of feelings, flailing around like a fish out of water, yet drowning in the depths of my own metaphorical ocean.

Sound familiar?

I thought so.

Funny how the very thing we feel all alone in is the very thing everyone is struggling with, at the very same time, in the very same way, looking for the very same answers you are!

So…..

Who Am I? Who Are YOU?

I can tell you who I am not… I am not who I once was. I am not who I would like to pretend to be. I am not everyone and anyone else but me. I am still robed in the exact same body I have always been in (albeit a little more of the body I have always been in….hehe). I am still equipped with the same outward appearance…however, I have changed. Life has changed me. Experience has changed me. God has brought me through some really spiritually, emotionally, psychologically trying times. He has been stretching, molding, breaking, remaking, redefining the vessel I once was and guess what….I don’t particularly like it!

I know, I know…not what you were expecting me to say. I was supposed to say, “this new vessel is such a refreshing change from the old me that once was. The growth has brought on much needed revamping and I now stand before you a priceless new vessel, ready and fit for service!”

And this is why I’m writing this blog!

Because the truth is, there is a time in life when, the molding and changing is not due to your own doing. Mistakes and sins have not cracked or broken your vessel, causing you the need to ask forgiveness. God isn’t giving you the chance to change your ways and allow Him to mold you into something new. You are not standing, viewing your life in the mirror of His mercy, thanking Him daily for a second chance.

This is NOT one of those stories.

This is a time of life when you face trials, struggles, loss, pain, brokenness like never before. When you were serving, standing, doing, going, reading, praying, and God, in his grace, breaks you. You felt like a perfectly fine vessel. Not perfect, but useable. And then, He makes you over. The smashing, crushing, breaking, pressure of His Almighty Hand is almost more than you can bear. You are fully aware of His presence in ways you have never known before. He has been making His marks in your heart and your life very thoroughly clear. But, you don’t get it! You ask why over and over. The tears don’t stop. The grief won’t subside. The pain is relentless. And all of a sudden, the quiet silence of being still and knowing that He is God and His ways are not your ways, seems like the most overwhelming struggle of your life….

But, He hasn’t left you. He’s never forsaken you. He is still all-knowing, all-present, perfect, holy, righteous, caring, loving, patient. He is still the Amazing Heavenly Father He has always been. The one who picked up all the pieces the last time you shattered yourself across the floor. The One who made you new and whole and perfect. The One who’s purpose was always for your good. Just now, He has another plan in mind and the vessel you are is not fit for the purpose of which He has in mind.

Welcome to “Grace Unshattered”.

And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it.  Jeremiah 18:4