Refocused and Renewed

As I embark on the two year mark of Grace Unshattered as a “business”, I am amazed at the journey it has become. I have learned a whole lot, not just about creating and selling and marketing and improving, while all that is important and has been a sustainer for our family in times of greatest need; but about God and about myself.

Who am I in Christ?

What is God trying to tell me through His Word?

Where does mercy end and grace begin?

How can I be closer to God when I feel so far away?

Where do I go from here?

What direction do I take when the path seems confusing?

As a wife, mother, daughter, woman, friend, these questions and more are overwhelming and daunting. They take over your thoughts daily and sometimes leave you drowning in questions with no answers in sight.

Have you ever started something you have tried to get to for so long? Maybe a project, a recipe, a conversation! (if you are a mom, you’ve been there lol). Just as you pull out all the stops and think to yourself, “here we go! I am finally doing it!”, here comes the phone call, the door bell, the crying baby, the toddler that can’t take himself to the potty, the teenager who needs just one more thing, the husband who hasn’t figured out how to do anything on his own (totally adding that in for emphasis because, well, we all have those husbands that just “need a favor” the second mom/wife sits down lol.

I feel this way when I start my devotions most mornings. Here I am Lord. 4am/5am hoping to get just a few minutes in with the Lord before my kiddos rise or my husband needs me. I tiptoe around to get my normal morning stuff and back into the bedroom I go. I’ve got my app opened to my “year through the Bible” reading and suddenly my eyes get heavy. The bed is finally empty! My pillows are finally just right. My covers are so warm! And the silence…oh, the silence! Before I know it, I’ve fallen back asleep, my mind has wandered, or I have completely lost track of what I was reading, while reading it for the 40th time because my “brain is not thinking the do thing anywhere”. (God bless my ADHD)

Now, my toddler is awake at 7am for no earthly reason and my quiet time is gone and I am left frustrated and worn out before the day even begins. I’ve accomplished nothing but aimless scrolling through a hub of irritating news and posts about our disastrously discombobulated world and every little noise over the course of the next few hours is now making my skin crawl.

Incase you haven’t sensed it oozing between every line, this was my day today. Completely and fully a disastrous mess of emotional instability and disappointment in myself.

OH, listen. It is easy to write all about the beautiful graces of a remade vessel and all its precious scars and imperfections that God still feels obliged to use, but when you feel ugly and marred and overwhelmed and anything but beautiful and graceful, then what? When you have lost your temper and irritatedly snapped at the first unsuspecting victim that rounds the corner into your already imploding bubble, how do you sing, “Oh Happy Day” to that cacophony?

And then, I sat this afternoon, as my husband took the two tinies for a nap, and listened to the silence again. My older boys were busy about their gaming and I sat down at my computer and felt so discouraged. My heart kept sinking deeper and deeper in regret as the day had progressed and finally, as I slumped in my chair looking at all the Grace Unshattered surrounding me, I couldn’t do it anymore.

Where is my heart?

What is my focus?

Why do I think I cannot find God at any other time of the day if my mornings get out of whack?

How do I pull myself together and ask God for help?

At what point did I decide I could do any of this on my own?

From where comes my strength?

Who is my anchor when my emotions are out of control?

When the storms are awful, where is my Shelter?

And that is when it occurred to me. The longer I sit and stare at my shortcomings, the bigger they will become. The longer I focus on my little, the bigger my “I” gets and the smaller my God becomes. So, like Peter, it’s time to take my eyes off the storm and put them back on Jesus. Time to refocus on who HE is and not on what I’m not doing right or what I “can’t” accomplish.

The BIGGER your God is, the smaller your problems will become. Stop trying to self-talk yourself into believing you are enough. Stop trying to sell yourself the lines that no one is perfect and it’s ok not to be ok. Stop forcing yourself to perform in a world of filters and facades you can never attain and put all that energy into finding Jesus!

Oh how sweet to trust in Jesus

Just to take Him at His word

Just to rest upon His promise

Just to know,

Thus saith the Lord.

Jesus, Jesus how I trust Him

How I’ve proved him o’r and o’r

Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus

Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

Look up Child of God! Look up Daughter of the King! Look up chosen one! Look into the eyes of your Savior, your Rescuer, your Redeemer, your Strength. Find your hope in Him!

Today I pray for that focus! Will you do the same?