This is HIS story…

Do you know what I think I so fantastic about reading the Bible? God used imperfect people to write it. His inspired Word, penned by the very ones who fell short over and over again. This gives me hope. That His grace is what is unshattered, perfect, inspired, not my story, not my life, not my actions: Just Him.

I love running to the Psalms in times of trouble and overwhelm. There I find peace and solace in the tender words of comfort, designed by God to soothe a burdened soul. But, when I take the time to really concentrate on who wrote them, when they were written, it is amazing to me. It was really no different than if God inspired David to blog about the goodness of God through the storms of uncertainty, anxiety, turmoil, and struggle. When he was the bleakest, God inspired him to write the sweetest Psalms of trust, hope, mercy, grace, and truth.

And here is where I find myself.

Small moments of struggle have turned into days, have turned into seasons, have turned into years, and while God has sent manna, like he did for Moses, and ravens, like he did for Elijah, and rain, like he did for the children of Israel, and comfort, like he did for us with the Holy Spirit, the storms have still not ceased.

Sometimes suffering comes in very small spurts. Long enough to make us feel overwhelmed, but the sun soon rises and the struggle quickly becomes a distant memory. But then there are those life-altering factors. The ones that require us to become a mere shell of ourselves, broken and shattered, in need of mending that seems to never come. When the prayer rug in our closet is worn with holes from the kneeling and pouring out of our hearts to God for rescue.

It is hard to put into words what comes next. It is hard to share my own story from here. But here it is:

One day I woke up, looked at myself in the mirror and saw nothing but pain across my face. Pain that was etching its way into every crevice of my face. Wrinkles were appearing in the wrong places, like permanent little marks of frowning instead of rejoicing. Tiny silver hairs showed up inside my auburn locks. Dark circles, hid under layers of makeup I hadn’t worn in years. Who am I and what was I becoming?

God had taken my daughter home. He replaced the emptiness of my hands with a baby boy. Change claimed the 4 corners of my home and the last bit of pink left over was given a loving title…”Bella cup”, “Bella tablet”, “Bella NeNe”(pacifier). I adjusted to being a full-blown boy-mom. I tucked whatever pain I still couldn’t cope with deep into the confines of my heart and locked the door and threw away the key.

Then, my husband broke. I don’t understand what happened. He has endured more loss than a single man I know. The day we said goodbye to our daughter was the last recollection I have of the old Wes. Slowly, his ptsd took over. Nightmares, restless leg, panic attacks, insomnia, sleep apnea, anti-social, everything was spiraling out of control for him and the bottom was falling out. He needed help. Short term disability kicked in and saved us for a short time, but because his ptsd streamlined from his time overseas, he would not qualify for long term. Suddenly we had nothing.

I prayed and prayed for him. We sought out help. We saw doctors at the VA. I pushed, he pulled, our marriage was falling apart, but for no other reason except we were constantly struggling to get control of this hideous monster that now had his claws buried deep in my husband. My own ptsd was flaring up. Things he would do would trigger my own demons and cause me to retreat and fall apart.

His health deteriorated. His body is breaking down. He now needed my help getting him out of bed, walking him to the couch, catching him before his numb legs gave out….

No one could see this madness!!

But, our doors stayed open. People continued to come in and out of our lives and the enormous pressure to perform was unrelenting. If I could just convince one more person that I had it under control. If I could just pray it away. If I could just figure out the perfect cocktail of medications and meditations, all would be well in the world.

But I was kidding myself.

I was juggling every single porcelain plate on my own, refusing help and smiling to cover up the pain. Pretty soon it became impossible and covid could not have come sooner! Face masks and quarantines!

Finally an excuse to hide! and hide I did.

But, I still fell and shattered…

In a nutshell…nothing has change at all in my circumstances. Much like David, when he penned the words in the Psalms, there is still no answer from on High that has change the world in which I find myself. I am now caring for my husband 24/7. His injuries have become such that he requires a cane and constant attention to his needs. Medications continually change in hopes to relieve the pain and the symptoms of his ptsd. I still am raising 2 children with special needs. I am still homeschooling all 3.

But, my attitude and perspective of who God is, as the Master Potter, as my Comforter, as my Father, as my Refuge and Strength, as THE Rock, is changing. I knew the God of creation, salvation, forgiveness, mercy, but now I am experiencing Him as the God of comfort, grace, peace, and compassion.

I cannot and I will never be able to do this life without Him. OH, I can certainly try, and I have, and I have found so much more pain.

This is the truth I am learning.

That doing life with Him does not relieve the circumstances. Doing life with Him does not make it all better. Doing life with Him does not promise anything changes as far as the situation you are going through.

It means a newer, deeper understanding of this verse:

“For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feelings of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly unto the thrown of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.” -Hebrews 4: 15-16

It promises that “though I pass through the deep waters, He will be with me”(Isaiah 43:2). It promises that even “the valley of the shadow of death” will not be stronger than my God’s ability to protect me (Psalms 23:4). It promises that each and every day that I “draw nigh to God, He will draw nigh to me” (James 4:8)

And the list goes on.

So, you see, this story isn’t really about me at all. Yes, ok, the circumstances are all uniquely my own, but the purpose to which I am placed on this earth is solely to bring God glory! So, it isn’t about me, but about how, in even the darkest of times, I find a way to give the glory to God and let Him be magnified. Because He is so good! He is so great! He is worthy of our praise and our continual love. He is worthy of our undivided attention and our daily lives to be lived solely for His grace to be shown. Sometimes our circumstances are just to be that light for the hurting, wounded world to see, just how amazing is our God, to receive praise even when His children are hurting. Even if there is never another time I see a full lifting of the burden of which I carry…

This, THIS, is my story….More, more about JESUS!