Less Than- A Story of Sufficiency

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me

2 Corinthians 12:9

I woke up this morning with a full heart. A full, but very heavy heart. What days should be the greatest victories in my life, what days should be a fulfillment of all God’s promises and faithfulness in my life, have turned to deep sadness, feelings of inadequacy and insufficiency. Over the past several months, in my silence, I have been bearing a heavy load, to most, unseen.

But, today, I woke up with a true Word from the Lord. As if He reached down in all of His splendor and majesty, straight from the throne room of Heaven, and placed his tender, loving hand directly on the center of my need and whispered…

“I AM for your ‘less than'”

This was not an epiphany! This was no bright, shining light with an angel chorus background. In fact, it was quite the opposite. The Holy Spirit speaks in a still small voice to those who are willing to listen. He brings to remembrance those things God has already, through His Inspired Word, told us time and time again. When the flooding of those verses come back to you, in your darkest, lowest time, it’s like rivers of water to the thirsty, barren soul.

I thought I knew where the Lord was leading this blog. I practiced lighthouses and oceans and everything to do with ships and nautical ideas, but, as the days dragged on, nothing happened. Here is the story:

After suffering a miscarriage very early on with our little Londyn Hope, God had a surprise in store for us. One day, not long after coming to the conclusion it was time to move on with this chapter of our lives of having children, I felt sick to my stomach and, unlike losing my taste and smell with covid, I could taste air and see smells! For all you mama’s out there, you know exactly what that means:)

Two dollar general pregnancy tests, a doctor visit, an obgyn visit and a couple pinches to my forearm later, it was sinking in…we were expecting again!

To be honest, I was shocked beyond what a normal person should be, knowing this was no miraculous conception. (insert nervous laughter here). I just kept telling the doctors there is no way and they must be mistaken and this must be a new symptom for covid or something. Why was my mind not catching up? Why was I in denial that I could be expecting again when this was the desire of my heart before conceiving Londyn?

My insufficiency was showing

Throughout the pregnancy I struggled secretly. I wanted this baby, more than anything, to be the most beautiful, natural pregnancy and birth process we had ever experienced, because this would most certainly be our last. When the day arrived to find out the gender, I was pretty sure I knew exactly what baby would be…

Aleyna Grace

It was a girl! We were all thrilled and excited and the flood of emotions collided daily for the remainder of the pregnancy. Would little Aleyna join her sister in Heaven or her brothers here on earth? Would the rest of the pregnancy go well or would there be complications? Would she have the same skin condition of Ichthyosis as her last 3 siblings or would she be unaffected like her oldest brother?

Cool and collected was the name of the game, but I had no idea the rushing waters against the dam of my soul that were stirring. My walls were deteriorating so slowly, I never knew I had been compromised. I seemed fine, it was fine, I was fine, everything was fine. But the pressure was mounting.

When our sweet baby girl arrived, the delivery was nothing short of perfect. Planned C-section. On my feet by the end of the day. A little more pain that the last two, but baby arrived unaffected! Every part of the following days seemed unremarkable in comparison to what we faced with the last four pregnancies. Rather than feeling relieved and excited and fulfilled, I felt…. Less than…but had no idea yet what those feelings were, much less how to explain them or blog them or combat them.

My blogging had fallen completely silent. Not just because I was busy, sick, very pregnant, or distracted, but because of the silence of insufficiency.

Nearly three months have gone by and I had compartmentalized those feelings as postpartum, fleeting, unnecessary feelings…

Until today!

Because…God put his finger directly on my need and whispered those tender words that suddenly made it all clear. My “less than” has been showing for a long time, but “I AM” is greater!

The next few blogs, I want to dive deeper into what the Lord has been showing me. Did you know there are so many, many characters in the Bible that address this exact idea? So many, that I could compile a book about it? Look at this short list God has been laying on my heart:

Moses, Elijah, Ruth, Esther, Paul, Hannah, Mary, David, Mephibosheth, Gideon, Jeremiah, The Roman Centurion, The Woman with the issue of blood, The Woman at the Well….

Just to name a “few”.

Will you follow me on this journey? Let me ask you…is there something about you that feels “less than”? Maybe it’s outward, maybe it’s inward, maybe it’s something you have been told? Maybe it is something someone said to you or about you? Maybe it is what you have been telling your reflection?

Your heart and your head is a breeding ground for thoughts of insufficiency, but God’s Word illuminates the dark worries of your soul and refreshes the spirit once again, that it is not in our own strength, our own might, our own worthiness that we will find the adequateness of our lives. It is only through Him that we will see His strength made perfect through our weakness.

And Moses said unto God, Who am I, that I should go unto Pharaoh, and that I should bring forth the children of Israel out of Egypt? And he said, Certainly I will be with thee; and this shall be a token unto thee, that I have sent thee: When thou hast brought forth the people out of Egypt, ye shall serve God upon this mountain. And Moses said unto God, Behold, when I come unto the children of Israel, and shall say unto them, The God of your fathers hath sent me unto you; and they shall say to me, What is his name? what shall I say unto them? And God said unto Moses, I Am That I Am: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I Am hath sent me unto you.

Exodus 3:11-14