I Hadn’t Cried Yet

I hadn’t cried yet, until last night. With my arms wrapped around my husband, as all the feels and emotions and pains and hurts claimed their rightful place on the surface. Miscarriage can be such a lonely place. So common, you almost feel wrong for taking so long to process or move on from it. Yet, so quietly and stealthily, it sits, awaiting its turn to flip all the switches, turn all the tables, press all the buttons, and climb all over you.

Just because something is such a common occurrence, does not mean it should not take its rightful place in your grieving process and fix itself in as part of your story, the thing that makes you, well, you! But, grieving takes time.

God placed in our hearts the desire to move from our incredible and wonderful church home, to a new church where God could continue to grow us in our faith and help us gain more insight for our children. What an incredibly hard journey that was! We miss our people every day! But, when God calls, you move. The pandemic put us in virtual church for almost a year. We spent the majority of it worshipping and learning under my brothers pastor in CT. God was making the transition a little bit easier in some ways and making His path clear.

Soon as the doors started opening, we tried a few places, but knew all along exactly where God wanted us. (Side note: why do we do that anyways? We know what God wants, but we have so many doubts…but I digress)

Then, it happened. I was pregnant! In the midst of the transition, at a crazy turning point for our family, while everything was still super emotional, I was expecting, and so very excited about it! A new chapter with a new baby! Almost as perfect as the one we opened when Bella was on her way into our lives. The perfect set up. Last baby was a girl. 2 boys and a girl. Done with our family planning. That was that and smooth as butter!

Well, as we learned with Bella, God’s ways are not our ways, nor His thoughts our thoughts, and not that He could ever not allow things to run smoothly, but there are sometimes He requires our utmost for His highest! This was going to be one of those times.

We met with our new Pastor and his wife, who we know and love very much, excited about the new chapter but unsure exactly how to embark. Mixed emotions were entangled with fears and faith and well, sometimes you just need some good counsel to remind you of your purpose. We walked out of the office that Sunday morning and walked straight into a wall!

We had only told a very few, very close friends of ours we were expecting because right from the beginning, things looked odd. Faint lines, low HCG levels, ultrasounds and blood work. Not your typical start to a pregnancy that looked promising. But we held out hope.

Prior to that office meeting, we had been told the chances of this being a viable pregnancy would be very sketchy, but, because I have the most amazing doctors in the world (totally biased, I know) we needed to gather more data. We named baby, Londyn Hope, because the name means crazy expectations. (if you haven’t caught on yet, all our kids are named very specific meanings and we are super nostalgic about it). Boy or girl, baby was already loved and our hopes held out that whatever God had planned would be enough for us.

But, as trials sometimes do, the signs of the approaching storm arose quickly, and before we left church that morning, the miscarriage had begun.

This was different than Bella’s. I hadn’t had 35 weeks to connect with our Londyn. I hadn’t had a chance to hold baby in my arms. There was no delivery, no funeral, no singular moment it all came together. Instead, the body has a way of slowly healing itself and if you have ever gone through a miscarriage or know someone who has, you know the details. We were spared needing a D&C, but, it took a good 2 weeks for everything to clear itself out.

How do you cope with that? Every place you go, using the bathroom is a grave moment. You walk around, looking completely normal to everyone around you, but inside you are screaming out. With every step you take, the reality of what is happening inside is so fully vivid to you, and you alone. No one else knows, only you. Some find out, because you tell them, and some completely get it, while others sympathize. My tribe is especially amazing!

My ladies, who know me so well, wrapped their arms around me, even from a distance, and talked me through. Some shared their own experiences, some quietly listened to me vent, others patiently waited in the background while I processed, but all of them, and I mean all of them, did their part, best they could, to hold me up in prayers! I love my tribe of girls!

But, when it came to processing, that was all on me. Me and God. For days we sat, face to face, silently. I said nothing, He said nothing. I would take a sip of coffee, read a verse, read a devotional, look back up, and there He was, silently, perfectly, lovingly, graciously. Questions would come and go in my mind. Why now? What did I do wrong? Did we make a wrong decision? Am I broken? Then, blogs would appear, because my outlet is writing, sharing, hoping, dreaming, creating, with you all.

Then, I just stayed busy. I got up from the coffee spot with God, and started working, serving, loving, breathing, but crying…that hadn’t happened yet. I thought I was done grieving, because, after all, it is a common occurrence right? Time to move on. Until last night.

Poor husbands take the brunt. Our demeanors are not wasted on them. All our emotions are usually spit in cycles on them in rounds they take with shields up, and goggles on, firmly planted, silently taking the barrage of ammo we very abundantly send in a fury towards them. They yawned at the wrong time. They chewed too loudly. They forgot the trash. Their socks are on the floor. They slept all night! HOW DARE THEY! And all at once, they are covered in all that verbal disaster we just sent their way, and some just walk to the next room, some put up dukes, and others retreat to the garage….I know you know exactly what I’m talking about. Our spirituality can be very questionable around our significant others.

But there it was. All spilled out. All the fears, the pain, the guilt, the worry, the sadness…

It’s ok to cry. We need to cry. Even Jesus wept. Tears are a healing and necessary part of our lives and one day, God will wipe them all away. But until then….its ok to cry.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUPgzd3nwMo